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07 November 2005

Turning into my mother

Every once in a while a catch a side glance in a mirror and only see my mother. It's interesting to look so alike and yet try and be so different. Certainly within the past year I have taken giant leaps towards wanting to be more like her. Of course I idolize her willingness to try new things, travel, her energy and endless creativity. And then there are those times when a phrase comes out of your mouth and you can actually picture your mother in your head saying the exact same thing. This is not always a bad thing I have recently come to realize. Regardless, I am not sure how I feel about my reaction to some silly college freshman.

Perhaps I try and act older than I really am. I'm dating a 29yr old and within my climbing group I am also the youngest of them. When did I leave that crazy college girl behind? Was I ever a crazy college girl? I can remember the infrequent times when too much tequila and mischevious best friends created interesting nights, but when did I decide that I was beyond that? It seems like such a long time ago, and yet it wasn't. I wouldn't say that I avoided the typical college social situations, but I encountered them less frequently than others. I was too busy for silly sherades on the weekends most of the time.

Thursday night at Brewers (an excentric 20 something mix of baltimoreans normally) the Rat Pack arrived. Fresh out of their freshman dorms, fake id's in hand, and an uncontrolable NEED for attention. Mini skirts grazing areas they are sopposed to be concealing, camera flashes going off to document innapropriate behavior, then creating profile links to crazy outings all the while hoping your mother still doesn't know how to use AIM. We looked at them wondering how much longer the new doorman would have his job for. Sterling just wondering how she was going to sit down, and Ben just laughing and shaking his head. The girls sit next to us (bare assed on the bench, mini-skirts now becoming belts) and proceed to make out with one another so the boys will give them more attention and take more pictures. But they weren't even enjoying eachother... only for the attention of boys who would have taken them into the bathroom for a quickie at the slightest mention of the possibility. Throwing themselves at eachother, it was a perfect example of America's youth. No wonder the religious movement is coming back strong. Next thing I know, there is two sloppy drunk barely dressed girls fallen into my lap, still laughing and making out, cameras flashing.

"I'm leaving!" and I storm out of the section and cross the room with a look of disgust across my face. Awkward disgust.

Why didn't I act the normal relaxed me and laugh it off making a silly comment all the while embarrassing the girls and getting my point across. I wasn't feeling secure with myself. A part of me started over-analyzing my own outfit and severe lack of skin showing with my long sleeve collered shirt and old jeans, too light of a wash to be in style. I felt like Josie-Grossy next to these beautiful young girls despite how terrible they were actually being.

Without class. That is how their actions was explained to me later by sterling. "I just don't have any respect for people who don't maintain a degree of class in public" he said. I relaxed and immediately felt better and sank into the couch easing my rigid back. But immediately I understood that I had just acted like my mother. Uptight, feeling out of place, just wanting to escape. I love the fact that I feel comfortable in all sorts of situations knowing how to be myself and still express my feelings without causing a scene. What happened to me? When did I get so old? When did I start acting even more like my mother?! But, again, perhaps my reaction wasn't that bad of a thing. Maybe it's just a sign that I'm past that young need-for-attention behavior and now see the truth in interactions without the cloud of selfish thought?


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